I think I’m at that time in my life where I have to accept that things will never be the same as they used to be. For the past few days, I’ve been looking at old photographs of me and my friends a lot. One would think I’d be used to being far from people I love since this is something that I’ve gone through over and over again since I was 16. But I’m not.

Browsing through more than a hundred albums on my hard drive, I found myself giggling, cringing, and sighing photo after photo. Odin says I am a person of memories, and it’s true. Aside from being a nostalgic person, I really do have a good memory. I still remember my best friend’s car plate number and cellphone number in high school. I remember landline numbers, addresses, mundane incidents, faces, names (well, most of the time). No boyfriend in my life could ever distort past event details or conversations for his advantage in arguments with this brain of mine. Though I take some kind of pride in my memory, it’s also a bit of a curse. Being gifted with memory also means a tight grip on the past.

As the years go by, I’ve noticed that more and more people close to me are getting more and more distant in my life – geographically or emotionally or both. For years, I’ve subconsciously been in denial that any of that was happening. Or despite my awareness, I’ve always tried to convince myself that everything will eventually go back to the way they were. And now, I think I’m slowly realizing that it won’t. Not everything.

The photographs are a preserved glimpse at how simple life was back then and that’s what I’m desperately trying to hold on to. I keep myself anchored in the past because it’s what I know and because it’s safe. It was a time when nobody had to worry about bills or kids or marriage or wedding plans or bank loans. My friends and I had ourselves all to ourselves. All the time in the world with no care for the future. Then BAM, suddenly we’re all turning 25 and barely have time for each other. Suddenly, we’re all on our own. Because of that, I can’t help but feel lonely and scared sometimes.

Why? Because 25 marks the era where people start moving on with their lives. I feel lonely and scared and plagued with certain worries like: 1.) if we’re headed for huge mistakes in our lives, 2.) if anybody is going to miss us when we move on, and 3.) if anybody will be there for us in case we end up making those huge mistakes. And overall, you just can’t help but feel like everyone else is happy, confident and content with their lives and what the future holds for them – while you spend almost every night feeling like you’ve been left behind.

Frankly, I’m tired of feeling this way, and it’s been going on for quite a while now. It’s high time that I start accepting life for what it is and that there’s no need to be afraid of change. I’m done with having my memories and affections for the past weighing me down and keeping me from moving forward. It’s in these fits of fear and loneliness that I also discover that holding on to my old life will only keep me from realizing what I really want for myself and the goals I’m supposed to be setting for myself. I’ve spent so much time concerned with “fun” and “good times” and the solidity of my social circles – and not that friendship isn’t important, but too much focus on it had me sweeping through my post-college years up to now without ever giving a thought about security for my future.

So I’ve decided. I want to pack up my memories and put them away for a while until I can look at them only as a mere reminder and not as an anchor of denial. I learned something new from a friend’s blog last week – the Hawaiian ritual of Ho’oponopono. I have no need for rituals, but the concept was something that really hit me hard and deep.

..the book says that the main objective of hoʻoponopono is getting to “the state of Zero, where we would have zero limits. No memories. No identity.

I need to go back and start from zero, a starting point without without pre-conceived notions and worries. The only things I need from the past are not memories, but lessons. I’m done shuffling my feet and taking my sweet ass time in delaying the inevitable. It’s time to get up and not only run towards The Point of No Return, but run past it with boldness and ambition. Never look back in hesitation. Only look back to see how far you’ve gone. That’s what photographs and memories should really be for in the first place.

And as for security and the future, Someone’s always got my back in that department.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

Matthew 6:25-27

As for my friends, I miss you guys with all my heart. I think about all of you more than you know it.